If you flip through my high school yearbook, you will find “Melissa: Class Clown” listed as one of the senior superlatives. My sense of humor has always been my defining factor, both to me and to those around me. I thrive on the self-satisfaction and laugher that accompanies an off-hand witty comment or a clever joke. My humor was always a way for me to feel connected and included within my circle of friends. In high school, it was an outlet through which I could obtain much desired attention and acceptance, and it gave me, in a sense, my rightful and comfortable place among my group. Then I went to college, and was instantaneously hurled into a world devoid of comfort. I realized quickly that it was going to take a lot more than just a sense of humor to find comfort and community in this new and unfamiliar territory.
Once I was devoid of comfort and community, I discovered that my humor was both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. I always have and always will pride myself on the fact that I am the funny girl. I love entertaining my friends and feeling like I bring joy and lightheartedness to those around me. However, in becoming more self-aware in college I also discovered that I want humor to be “my thing” because I desperately seek attention and acceptance from everyone around me. I use humor to feign confidence sometimes because I want to be the girl that everyone likes. I want to be the popular girl that no one turns away. Humor is how I go out of my way to impress people because I seek attention and acceptance from everyone. I did not realize this about myself until I went through sorority recruitment.
To put it simply, rush was awkward. I remember my initial reaction going into rush, thinking that I would have no problem getting into any sorority because I was outgoing and funny and that I would impress everyone I wanted to impress. I did not know how to exactly be myself and I found myself making awkward jokes and avoiding real, serious conversations because I was seeking to impress some of the sororities I regarded as top tier. When I did this, however, people saw through my humor. Instead of using it to enhance my personality, I was using it to avoid being completely myself in an attempt to be liked. I hid behind it throughout recruitment to seem witty, but ultimately came across as awkward with my forced jokes and overwhelming desire to say and do all the right things. After open house round, however, I found that the top four sororities I thought I wanted, the ones I went out of my way to impress, were the only ones that cut me.
This experience taught me to stop hiding behind my humor in an attempt to find acceptance. I realized that I was trying hard to impress people because I had an overwhelming desire to be liked and accepted, which is something I believe I will continually need to improve as I mature and discover who I am. Instead of trying to be funny and desperately seek attention and approval, I made a conscious decision to be genuine and confident in myself instead of hiding behind stupid jokes in an attempt to be liked. Once I did that, I ended up having profound, emotional, and most importantly, real conversations with the girls in recruitment. I found that once I stopped worrying about how other people viewed me and just made an attempt to be myself, my sense of humor would naturally find its way into conversation and I could use it as a personality enhancer, rather than as a mask. At the end of rush, I embraced the girls in my new sorority because they accepted me for who I was, not the girl I was desperately trying to be with some of the other sororities. I learned through this whole process to not worry so much about impressing people and being the center of attention. I used to use humor as a crutch upon which I would gain approval, but in opening up myself and making myself more vulnerable during rush I found that people appreciated me for my other traits, like how I am down to earth and how I have a strong sense of morality and how I put strong emphasis on my relationships with my friends and family. When I stopped hiding behind my humor, I found that I did not have to be the “funny girl” all the time. I realized that I was exhausted by always trying to be the center of attention and that it is okay to take a step back and just be serious and real with people. Once I did this, I became a part of a sorority that is an experience that has already helped me grow and learn as a person. I definitely still embrace my sense of humor as one of my greatest strengths, but recruitment taught me to use it for the right reasons.
Tier 2: Identify both positive and negative factors (e.g., individuals, experiences, and other influences) that have shaped who you are and what you believe and value; evaluate the benefits and limitations of your beliefs and values.
As my first year at Miami reaches its conclusion, I look back and marvel how far I have come in terms of personal growth. Mentioned in my Tier 1 reflection for this outcome, my sense of self is rather volatile. When I first came to Miami, I thought already knew who I was, what my beliefs were, etc. These thoughts were shattered very quickly as I met and interacted with individuals from a multitude of backgrounds. However, now that my first two semesters are complete, I can feel the dust settling and my true beliefs beginning to take shape. In a sense, I am finding my true identity.
The world is not black and white, as my views once were. For instance, I was pro-choice before I came to Miami. Now I favor the pro-life side of the abortion argument. I think that every unborn fetus has a right to life. However, sometimes occurrences of rape or the baby posing a health risk to the mother complicates things. In such instances, abortion could be deemed acceptable. So while I am pro-life, it is not a view that is set in stone and without exception.
Some of my views often bring about ridicule when I discuss them with others. My strong belief in chivalry is a prime example. I feel that all women should be treated with respect and care. This can mean simple things like being polite or holding the door for them, to even more extreme displays of chivalry. However, this is a trait that is on its last legs in our society. My male peers tend to roll their eyes at me if I suggest they act more chivalrous. Others tell me that I am living in a bygone era and would have been better off being born in the age of Chaucer when the knights of the time stuck to a code based on this belief. Even more openly laugh at my old-fashioned ways. Still, I stand by them.
Going further is my sense of integrity. As an Honors student, I feel that I and everyone else in the program should be held to a higher standard than other students. We are putting ourselves in a position that can be viewed with more scrutiny and are even sometimes looked up to by other students. As such, I think that when we break the rules, our punishments should be harsher. Surprisingly, many of my peers tend to disagree. Perhaps I am a bit overzealous in this view, but like my chivalrous mindset, I stick to it.
My educational goals over the next several years are often hot points of contention. I have wanted to be a paleontologist, a person who studies fossilized remains, since I was a lad. This burning desire to dig up dinosaurs has only grown as I have gotten older. My boyhood obsession has multiplied, as have my critics of this dream. I would ideally like to get my doctorate in the subject, and then go on to teach it at the college level. Other options on the table also include going into a research company or working as a museum curator in the field.
When I was younger, adults thought it was cute that I wanted to study these giants lost to time. However, what was once thought to be adorable has grown into disdain. I tend to receive three different reactions when I confess that I want to go into paleontology.
The first, and rarest, is that of encouragement. This usually comes from people interested in the sciences and former teachers. These people are genuinely interested in my goals and enjoy listening to them.
The second reaction is that of surprise.
“Oh? You don’t want to be a doctor?”
“Er, no, I do not.”
These adults tend to want to switch my career choice to another field of science, usually that of medicine. I am much too squeamish to be a doctor, and I generally find medicine to be not the most thrilling of subjects.
The last and worse reaction is that of scoffing and open ridicule.
“A paleontologist? Really? Are your parents even okay with this? And you know, you won’t make any money. You’ll probably be quite poor.”
These people cannot be swayed to even listen to why I care about fossils. I usually just force a smile and try to change the subject. These responses are initially what led me to question whether adults and other authority figures really do know best.
Many adults tend to focus on money. They want to get a high-paying job. They want to have bucket loads of cash to fund extravagant lifestyles they see celebrities flaunting in tabloids. While money is something that is essential to have in our society, it is not overly important. Beyond providing for my future family and ensuring my children have food, a roof over their heads, and a decent education, I could not care less what my salary is. Life should not be about the almighty dollar. You cannot take it with you when you die, nor can you bribe your way into a decent afterlife. It also cannot buy happiness, as much as the shallow-minded celebrities of Hollywood will tell you it can.
I consider money to be little more than a poor means of trade. Now, do not think my communistic; I am in favor of capitalism at its finest. Yet, I do not think that acquiring money is an accurate measure of a person’s success. The person who is happiest with his or her lot in life and is truly content is really the most successful. One can boast of having a new car or a nice house, but these things are just that- things. They are the products of a materialistic world, but they cannot provide comfort in the emotional sense.
As much as I preach these views, people nearly always look at me as if I need to be committed to an asylum. Maybe I am absurdly crazy for placing happiness, doing what one loves to do with his or her life, and having friends over goals of fame, fortune, glitzy lifestyles, and glamour. But, I rather doubt it.
Criticisms such as these irk me beyond measure. Yet, constructive and thoughtful criticism can be a welcome thing. This breed of criticism leads to provocative questions and reevaluations of beliefs and actions. Talking to fellow Honors students when I arrived on campus led to such debates about values, morals, views, etc. It is only when others point out flaws that a person can open his or her eyes to the need for improvement. Men are often blinded by their own certainty, something that I have been guilty of as well. Criticism cuts through this self-conviction, and allows the person to grow.
In addition to receiving criticism, I also tend to give it. I am fond of debating with others whose beliefs differ greatly from my own. I try to pose powerful questions to them to ultimately try and sway them to my opinion. At the very least, I hope my arguments make the other person reflect on the subject we are debating. I have managed to persuade my peers in many areas, from abortion to religion; no topic is free from scrutiny.
In all, my first year at Miami was a growing experience, as well as an educational one. Meeting new people with different backgrounds has helped me to let my beliefs evolve. I am no longer the same person I was in high school. I am more confident, sure of my self, ambitious, etc. However, I have been able to retain some of my prior convictions, such as my sense of integrity and dedication to chivalry. My interactions with adults have sharpened my suspicions that they do not always know what is best. Authority figures should always be respected, but I am beginning to question their beliefs, in addition to my own. Despite criticisms against my dreams, I shall maintain on the course I have chosen. I yearn to be a professor of paleontology, and shall stay true to this vision, even though I am incessantly barraged with people suggesting I embark on another career choice. I still consider my sense of self to be volatile, but I also feel that I am starting to find my own concrete identity. I hope this trend of self-exploration continues and that I am able to grow more as a person in the coming years.
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